The Land of Hythklar (3rd section added!)

[Valathous]

Chapter 1


The moonless night was stretched as for as the eye could see in this darkest of nights. The bloodshed ground as dark as the nights sky with stars faintly twinkling out of the corner of his eye. He looks around as he breathed deeply the fresh cool air. The crystal mist burning a cold fire inside him. He gazed, looking, for any more of them. Horrid creatures. Their hearts even blacker than the nights skies of late. Their blood as cold as the lakes when the season of cold came. He sheathed his sword, his one true friend in this fight, the one he could count on above all others, Esthilius. The sword given to him as a gift from his father, the King�s loyal bodyguard himself. He listen, shutting off his mind from everything else, from thought, from sight, from sanity, from heart. Just listening. It was quiet. No more screams, no more shrieks cold enough to freeze ones spine with chills. Just quiet. After a few moments, a faint pattering of feet could be heard. Not heavy and barefoot, but lighter and booted. Then came the clinking of this runners mail. It was one of his men, approaching him to tell him the outcome of the fight.
�Lord Valathous!� He exclaimed.
�Yes?� The man replied in a dark monotonous voice. An angry voice. Filled with hatred.
�Valathous, the Orcs are gone. All have been slain, and those he are not, have fled like an owl in the days sky.� The messenger replied. Though he was no messenger. He was a captain. A Captain of Valathous� army. He was Fengril. Valathous� closest friend and ally other than Esthilius.
�Good. This is good indeed. But for how long. What news from the South?� Asked Valathous, who was the Commander of the mightiest of the Allied forces armies. The Commander of the Warriors army of Namlionor.
�The South has been holding them off. Therilius has attacked Mordinthorak from the South as well, giving us an advantage. The West has had no news to report. The East is having troubles though. The Orcs come in heavy numbers there. The rain apon our walls as if all the oceans came to hit them. Tearing apart the bare rock. Eroding it as if it were a mountain side open the North ocean. They request more men. They ask for the Archon Archers.� Replied Fengril in a worried tone. This tone too made Valathous worry about his land.
�This is not good. The walls must hold. Give them what they want. Allow them the Archon Archers!� Exclaimed Valathous in a confident yet worried tone. 2 opposite emotions tangled in the knot that was his mind, thrown out in his words.
The Archon archers were a band of Warriors who trained in archery instead of the sword or the spear or the axe. These men trained for all their youth, all their days to get there. To miss a shot was exile from the Archon archers. High respect came to those who were in this group.
What news of this North. This land which is forsaken by Herendole as the ocean of the North pours in through the cracks of the broken walls. The land of the North claimed by the Orcs which was once a prosperous land shared by Mankind and Elf kind alike. Entwined into a society and culture matched by none. The trees as tall as the pride of the inhabitants. The land as old as the memories of their dead ancestors. The water as pure as the minds of those who speak not through words but through actions of the Gods. The air as clear as a morning doves call at the break of dawn. Now forsaken. Baron. A ruin. Taken by the Orcs.

(Chapter 1 is not over, but i have to go to bed now so i cant finish it yet )

[Seven of Nine]

It's a great start.. I can't wait to read more!

[Voy_Girl]

^
I agree...

[Valathous]

thanx ill do more later

(btw, i accept and encourage constructive critasism, rip it to shreads if you thinks it's horrible, i want to know anything that i can improve apon )

[Ksim3000]

I think it is very good! I like it, I especially enjoyed the first chapter! I hope you continue with this!

[Melodramatic]

I like it
It kinda sounded like a poem at first, lol.
Very well done.

[Starbuck]

OMG that is one seriously wicked piece of writing man. Keep going this is awesome!

[Krall]

Eh,More LOTR? lmao,Good writing Dan,Keep it up!

[PrankishSmart]

Groovy

[Captain Leah Manzer]

Wow dude!! I wanna read more... common!!

[Valathous]

They walked through the forest. The trees tall and lush, the grass softer to the feet than the face of a loved one though strained with the hatred and darkness of the iced blood of the Orcs. Valathous and Fengril walked along, in the moonless night�s sky, though the stars were out, shining upon them, lighting their way. They made their way back to the fortress. The Fortress of Henglelil. The strongest fortress in the North. The only way the Orcs can enter, for the walls everywhere else, are half as high as the trees. Henglelil was the only entrance from the North, the entrance that used to be open and undefended for Warriors and Elves to walk throughout peacefully from realm to realm. The walls protected but some of the Archon Archers. Anything that attempted to climb the verticals walls was sure to be shot. A horn lay at each mile of the wall, to be blown at any sign of trouble. It was a regular sound these years of late. Always blowing. Echoing in one�s mind day in and day out.
During the walk back to Henglelil, Valathous and Fengril met up with more of the Warrior forces. Drenched in the blood of those, beasts. Heartless creatures. They deserved nothing more than to be rid of from the oh great and beautiful land that they have named Hythklar. With the added men of the forces, the 2 companions walked less cautiously, now being in numbers are less likely to be attacked on their trudge. They passed by many a good friend and ally, lying there, lifelessly, staring to the moonless night�s sky. Their pride, their honour shall forever be their memory for they fought bravely for the realm of Namlionor. The Warriors (Denate)(den-ah-tay) realm, the realm of the greatest force of the Fenedryil Alliance ( Fighters for the Gods Alliance). The Denate were a powerful race. An enhanced race of men if you will. A group of men that split apart from the weakness of the common men. Kept the strength and state of mind given to them by Herendole. Their gift, strength and mind. Men had abused this gift and now it is all but vanished. Gone like their Warriors honour. They are close allies, but frowned upon as an inferior race of beings by many of the Denate. They approached Henglelil after many an hour of their trudge, and paying their fallen comrades their last respects, freeing their honour to the Renadesance Sanctuary (a sanctuary of the afterlife).
A horn was blown and swiftly did the iron gate open as the guards move.
�The Commander and Captain have returned! Send word! They have arrived!� Screamed a man from the watch tower, glaring down at the lands surrounding the fortress.
A man approached Valathous, a big man, a man who had fought many a battle in his lifetime.
�Commander, We have lost another two hundred men. The Orcs just keep coming. They are like waves, smashing upon our men, breaking them down, like high waves on strong rocks, weakening them. Another 100 injured. We need more men. We cannot hold!� The men said in a weary voice, filled with dread.
�More men. More men. How many more men must die for our land before these vile, putrid creatures will lay a rest. Leave us be with our ways.� Valathous said in a mournful tone, �Send word to the King, tell him that Valathous requests the immediate movement of the Kienajorifs.�
The Kienajorif are a highly traded group of swordsmen. The Archon Archers of swords. Trained since a young lad old enough to bare the metal rod of death. Deadly in the arts of swordsmanship. Their skills with the blade matched by no other, other than themselves. Valathous, being the one who had put together this group of deadly Warriors, was even more so skilled than them. He was the head instructor in-between the times of war.
�Word to the King will be sent within the hour. I will send our fastest messenger with this letter of great importance!� Boasted the man.
�I expected no less from you Genfel.� He said in a friendly voice to the man and patted him on the back as he walked away and entered his chamber.

(you only wish that was the end of chapter 1! but no! more of Chapter 1 to come! This isn't some short fanfic. Im going to make this sucker LONG! )

[Valathous]

He walked into his chamber in the fortress and sat down at his desk. He was a just above a moderate sized man. Dark brown hair to his shoulders and facial hair around his mouth and on his chin with green eyes. 100 years old, but for a Denate, that is still a young man. Green eyes was strange for a Denate, for most had a dark colour, such as brown. He sat in his chair, which was wooden, made from the finest oak trees in the land. He sat in front of his desk, made of the same fine oak as his chair. His desk was covered in maps, with routes, trails, hidden paths through the massive amount of forest in this realm. Namlionor was a lush realm. Evergreen, everywhere you look, green from the trees, the tall grass, everything, lush and green. The water as clear as a monk�s mind and a pure as his soul.
Valathous poured over the maps for hours, trying to figure out a solution. A trap if you will. A way to trick the Orcs into a massacre to give the Denate the upper hand. The Denate may be the best fighters in the land, fighting in a trans state of both body, mind and rage balanced to perfection, but the Orcs multiply at a ghastly rate. Their population raises dramatically for ever sun that passes and dips every night that passes when they advance into the scared land of the Denate, only to be slaughtered, but not before ending the honoured lives of some of the great Denate warriors. His mind was clouded, not able to think properly to come up with a plan. He had to somehow to save his land. He couldn�t lose this war, especially with the Denate�s history of success in wars, he could not lose that reputation. He started humming a tune that his mother used to sing for him in order to give him the dreams of the Gods for a sound sleep. It was an inspiring tune, one which would often clear his mind and brighten the mood. While he was humming the soothing melody to himself, relaxing, he started to hear screaming and yelling. Metal on metal and a high pitched noise of something flying through the air. That was Genfel burst through the doors yelling.
�COMMANDER! THE FORTRESS IS UNDER ATTACK!�

(i know this 1 is shorter than the other 2, but thats all I came up with tonight, because I was more concerned with other matters, though the end has some nice suspence to it )

[Ksim3000]

Just caught up on reading these two parts and I think they are brilliant! Very well written and very fun too read! Anyway, can't wait for the next part!

[Jadzia Lenara Dax]

It's a good start, Dan. But you asked for my opinion as a writer and as a fantasy-lover, so here's what I've got to say:
-No switching tenses! Pick one, past or present. It's a very common mistake; I used to do it all the time when writing, until I sat down and made a conscious decision of which I was going to write in.
-Take a closer look at your sentence structure. In some places, fragments are effective, but not when overdone.
-I think the characters are definitely interesting. When fleshed out, they'd be fab.
And um...that's about it!