Caroline's Last Wish- warning, deals with death

[Seven of Nine]

OK, just a short story I wrote, cos I'm feeling really depressed at the moment... Hope you don't mind it


Caroline�s Last Wish

When I last looked out of the window, it was dark. Dark and gloomy, just like inside of me. I love him, but I don�t know how to cope. I want things to resolve themselves�


Her name is Caroline, but she is called Carrie. She�s 16, and she lives with her boyfriend. She doesn�t get on with her parents, and hasn�t spoken to them for months. Her boyfriend loves her, and she loves him, but her thoughts are too strong. She feels that things would be better if she wasn�t around. Everyone would be better without her.


I�ve done it. I took an overdose. I know that it will kill my liver, but I�m not going to tell anyone. I want to die, maybe I can get hold of some sleeping tablets and some cider or something to take away the pain this is going to cause, and to speed things up. If anyone finds out, I�ll end up in hospital again. Last time I slit my wrists, the time before I tried to hang myself. Each time I made the mistake of telling someone. I won�t do that again.

Martin, well, he�s cute, and very kind, loving and protective. He let me move in with him after the last argument with my parents. I couldn�t cope with them anymore, saying I would fail my GCSEs, and not letting me do my coursework. Well, I proved them wrong. I got 9 Bs, when I was only meant to get Cs and Ds. In my mocks I got 8 Ds and a C. They didn�t even want me to do the higher papers, but I insisted. I proved them all wrong, but that�s just the beginning.

I can�t get a job. I�m not experienced enough, or not old enough, or not qualified enough. The only jobs left are those that I couldn�t do anyway, cos I�m too tired. I�m a weakling, that�s certain. I can only get up after 16 hours of sleep. I�d go to the doctor, but there�s nothing wrong. I just can�t stop sleeping, I�m tired, and nothing wants to work right. Martin�s great about it. He even helps me get dressed in the mornings when I�m really bad. I don�t know what his parents think of me, but the tolerate me. Sometimes I wonder why, but it�s in there nature, I suppose. He�s playing on the Playstation with his dad now. I can hear them laughing and yelling. I�m glad. I must really bore him, not being able to go out with him, or do anything with him. I�m so tired; I don�t know what to do. I�ve got about 3 days to live, and I won�t tell him till tomorrow. By tomorrow evening, there will be nothing they can do to stop me. It will be so much better without me.

I�ve got a couple of days left, and I think Martin suspects something. I�m trying really hard to make these last days worth something. I don�t know what he�ll do when he finds out. He�ll probably want to kill me. How funny. I�m going to give him he Valentine�s Day present tomorrow. If I�ve calculated right, I should die on Valentine�s Day. I hope I don�t hurt Martin too much, but he�s strong. He can cope. He should see someone better anyway. Someone who can actually do stuff with him, someone who doesn�t moan and complain all the time, like I do. I�m stupid, hopeless, I�m an idiot. What am I going to do? I�m going to die within the next few days, so I shouldn�t really worry. He�ll forgive me, I�m sure.
The pain�s starting to kick in now. I don�t think I can hide it much longer. It feels like there�s someone pressing really hard on my liver. Martin will get in from College later, and I don�t know if I�ll be able to hide it. It�s really bad, but I won�t take any painkillers, considering that�s what�s causing this anyway. I�m going to take those sleeping tablets I�ve found of Martin�s dads, and drink those cans of cider in the fridge. Maybe I can sleep it away.

I�m in hospital. I know, cos I�m not in my own bed, and Martin�s standing over me. I haven�t opened my eyes yet, but I can sense him. Yes, he�s there. He�s looking concerned. They don�t know what�s wrong, and would I tell them? I can�t speak, the pain�s unbearable. I scream as they inject something into me, then nothing. I feel nothing. I can still see, but I can�t move and the pain�s disappeared. Martin�s left, as has his parents. A nurse comes over, and says she wants to speak to me. Have I taken anything? I say yes, since I might as well tell them the truth. What had I taken? Some paracetamol and some sleeping tablets. How many? I�m not sure. A few packs. How long ago? Well, what day is it? Oh, well, two days ago. She shakes her head and leaves. I just want to sleep, but a doctor comes and says he needs to speak with me. He says that there�s nothing they can do but stop the pain, and hope that a liver becomes available for a transplant. He also says he�s going to arrange for a counsellor to come and see me. What use are counsellors? They�ve never done anything for me before, so what are they going to do for me now? Well, I�ll see her, but I don�t see why� just a waste of my time, and there isn�t much of that left. Martin�s going to come and see me later. I�ll give him the pin for my bank card, so he can get my money out and get me a chocolate bar. No, I�m not going nil by mouth, I�m hungry. I wish I wasn�t so tired�

Someone�s calling me. It�s Martin. He�s giving me a chocolate bar. It�s a Cadbury�s Dream bar, my favourite. I love it, knowing it�ll be my last one. He gives me the change from the bank, �50. I tell him to get something with it. He wanted that football kit, I tell him to get that, as a present from me. I know they�re not going to get a liver for me, there�s a little kid who needs one more. I wouldn�t let them anyway. Why can�t they just let me die?

The Counsellor�s here. She�s being nice to me, but I�m not answering her questions. Why did I do it? Wouldn�t she like to know? She says that I should write everything down. She doesn�t know that I am, in my mind. I�ve got so many stories stored up here, along with all my diaries. I�m going to destroy them all, except this one. Let them find this, if they ever can. No-one knows my thoughts, except me. I�m going to keep it that way. She says goodbye, says she�ll try and see me in a couple of days. She knows just as well as I do, I won�t be here. I can�t wait to get away from here� although I don�t know what Martin�s going to think. He�s being very quiet about everything. If it wasn�t for the painkillers I know I�d be unable to cope. I�ve turned yellow now, and I know that means my liver�s going to stop working soon. Ah well, I might ask Martin to do something for me. Soon.

I�m dying. The doctors have told me it won�t be long soon. I�ve asked them to switch off my life support, after I�ve spoken to Martin. I tell him everything, about how I just couldn�t cope anymore. And I ask him to do something for me. I ask him to let me be with my friend Josh, and to be with him always. He�s upset, but he agrees. Things are getting fuzzy now, I�m going to sleep, sleep for eternity. Goodbye Martin, goodbye.

[PicardsTrueLove]

Oh my goodness sweetie. Something must have happened to you! That's very heartfelt: very sad. ::bear hug, kiss on the cheek::.

[Frosty]

*sniffle* Good emotion, although, it's sad.....

[Seven of Nine]

OK, before you ask, I've not done anything like that... in the last couple of months (I have to be truthful). I can only really write depressing things, but I'm just going through a bad patch now... nothing that serious, though

[PicardsTrueLove]

^Actually I didn't intend to ask. My friend's dad killed himself when she was 4: couldn't see any reason to live anymore I suppose. It tore the family apart: they had already been having some problems and after that...well let's just say it's not good. Her mum is now in jail, and I can't help thinking that if he'd stuck with them, or even if my friend had reported her mum sooner, that she would be in a better place. Juts goes to show you how money certainly can't buy happiness (they're probably some of the richest ppl I know)...

Well I hope you feel better. I'm sending warm wishes your way.

[Voy_Girl]

That's a really strong story.

[Josi Rockholt]

Very sad.

[Chakotays Angel]

The story is a strong one on the subject of sucide which I have tried to several times in the past because I had the same feeling that nobody would miss me if I was dead. Then I come to realize that death is not the answer to our Question in life. Living is the right answer. I got through my hurt and pain with the help of my husband and his loving family. Now I look back on it all and thank god that I choose to live.Seven of Nine this story is sad with some strong points about the subject.

[PicardsTrueLove]

I'm so sorry honey: I'm glad you're recovering. Any time you need a shoulder: I'm here. You know what? I'm going to start a counseling thread, b/c that's one of those things i just end up doing!

[Voy_Girl]

^
NIce idea...

[PicardsTrueLove]

Well I've done it: Dana Katherine Scully's Counseling Center (or ServiceI don't remember which!) is now up in the Chit Chat forum. Please drop in for a shoulder to cry on and a piece of really good chocolate (cyber chocolate, of course.)

[Seven of Nine]

I'm going to post another story later... it's the prequel to this one... saying what went wrong in Caroline's life.

[Voy_Girl]

^
That would be a nice touch...