Spellbinder Marik

[Spellbinder Marik]

I figured It was about time that I post here. I�ve been here for a little while now. Most of you don�t know anything about me.

Presently I am 19 years old. I was born on November 4th 1986 at 6:08 pm in Rochester Minnesota.

I don�t remember much any farther back than 4 years old. My life has been predominantly negative. Bad things happening all the time.

To know me you would truly have to know me, if that makes any sense. I�ll start by telling parts of my life story.

I value my solitude. It�s been said that I lack social interaction. I agree. Now, those that know me personally would agree. I�m not a �people person�. I have difficulty making and maintaining friendships.

In 6th grade I made a mistake that would alter my life forever. I won�t go into what that was. Needless to say I was kicked out of the public school system. I was in several different treatment centers for anger management. When I turned 15 I had finally gotten to go home. For awhile the �training� I got helped me maintain a �cool-headed� state. For a short time nothing phased me at all. People would call me names, make fun of my family, any number of things to anger me. I remember enjoying the look on their face when I didn�t react. Oh that look was priceless. It instilled a sense of power and self control.

Though that didn�t last. That winter I went to see my mother at work. I rode my bike. I know, not the smartest thing to do during the winter. Anyway, when I got there I had to wait at the desk until I could see her. While I was waiting I saw an image in my head. An image of my self getting hit by a car. Now, until then, I didn�t realty believe in premonition or �visions� as some people did. I shook it off as some random thought. I saw my mom, told her I was going to a friends house for dinner and possibly spend the night. That didn�t happen. On my way home to grab my backpack I was hit by a white van. Me and my bike flew over the top of the vehicle and hit the pavement. It knocked the wind out of me. I tried to move but I couldn�t. I remember the street being empty and then people began rushing to my side from everywhere. I remember seeing people that hated me rushing to my aid. At the time I didn�t think of that though. Before I knew it I saw lined up cars on the street. My mothers among them. It got a little cloudy after that. I remember being in an ambulance and then a helicopter. They took me to the hospital and gave me a shot of something that made the pain go away almost instantly. Over the next few hours I drifted in and out of consciousness. I remember when I woke up I saw my family there. My dad, my mom, my brother and my sisters. My mom and siblings were crying. At first I didn�t know why. Then they told me. I had broken my ankle and it needed to be operated on. I didn�t really have a choice.

Next thing I knew I was waking up to the tail end of Star Trek TNG. My mom was asleep in a chair next to me. She must have fallen asleep watching TV. When she woke up she told me what had happened. They had put 2 steel pins in my ankle.

Skipping ahead a few weeks here.
I was finally able to go home. I couldn�t do anything for another month yet. My dad bought me an incubator and brought some eggs from our farm for me to hatch. I must say I was unsure of why he brought them to me at first. It didn�t matter though. For the time being I had something to do. Skip ahead again here. I�m finally walking again and the chicks are just starting to hatch. You couldn�t imagine the �fluttery� feeling I had when the first one popped out of its shell. It was one of the best feelings I�ve ever had.

Skip ahead to last year somewhere around November 20th. I had a dream about fire and the next morning my sister comes into the house freaking out that the house was on fire. At first I didn�t believe her. I went outside and looked to where she was pointing. Sure enough the house was on fire. Remembering that dream only reinforced my belief in foresight. I don�t know if any of you have experienced a house fire. But, as I sat there and watched my home of many years collapse in on itself it felt like part of me was going with it. We had to rent a house for awhile until our new one came. When it finally did come I decided I didn�t want to live so close to where the last had burned. My grandpa offered to let me live in his house in the spare bedroom.

Since then I have lived here. In peace for the most part. I don�t visit my dads new house very much. He�s told me I can visit there anytime I wanted. He�d probably even let me move back there if I wanted. I simply don�t feel welcome there. Even though the invitation was extended.

Skip ahead again to current day. At present I have a lot free time on my hands. To much time actually. I sit there and think about all the things I�ve done. To everyone, friends, family, people I don�t even know. I will never be able to repay or atone for all that I have done. The guilt gets to be so overwhelming sometimes that I don�t even want to get out of bed in the morning.

I hope that this give you some idea of who I am and how my life has been. For those of you on STV that are familiar with me, you already know some of these things. As for the rest of you, well, you know more now than you did after just reading all of that.

Anything else you would like to know, feel free to ask. I promise to hear all questions but I do not promise they will all be answered.

-Bern

[Ziona]

Hello! Just wanted to stop by and say "Hi!"

[Captain Patrick]

whoa dude that some heavy stuff you got their, well w/e just poped to say HIYA DUDE.

[Birdy]

First: Hi!
Second: Wow, what a story Really heavy stuff.
I have some premenitions too (if you want to call them that), or something that makes me know something before it happens. It comes and goes at times, I don't have it like 24/7.
You know, I can't help but thinking you're depressed... When you say you can't get out of bed sometimes. It's a really clear sign you know, as well as the guilt.
I don't want to be rude or anything, or a know-it-all, but have you considered counselling? Or isn't that something for you?
I hope you'll feel better soon, really.

[Spellbinder Marik]

[Dirt]

Always knew you yanks were pretty *beep* at riding bicycles. (biking helmets and all that) But my advice is to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on!

[Spellbinder Marik]

Life has slightly improved recently. I've been getting some unoffical counseling and I'm feeling a lot better. I get up every morning now weather I want to or not. Granted I haven't been sleeping much. I'm not really sure about that. I get 2 or 3 hours a night and I'm good for another 18. I know it's not healthy to do that but it's not like I have control over it. I'm not on drugs or anything that would cause that type of change in my sleep patterns. In fact I've avoided any medications lately, even aspirin.

I'm starting to belive the phrase: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." In case none of you didn't know I enjoy using quotes from various different places when the occasion arises.

With all of my extra 'up time' I've been able to continue writing. It's slow going but one cannot rush art. I fail to see the point in trying to make something good really fast.

I've enjoyed role playing more since I've been feeling better. The DSG guys(and gals) are awesome and surprisingly considerate. Once in awhile I just ask to talk and they're like 'Sure'. They offered me advice and encouraged me to do what I thought was right. If any of you guys read this, Thank You. I probably would have left DSG and STV by now if it wasn't for your kind words and moral assistance.