Puzzle (P/T)

Voy_Girl · **Sat Oct 12, 2002 3:21 pm Puzzle (P/T)**

Title: PUZZLE

Written: October 2002

Code: Voy, T, P/T

Disclaimer: Paramount owns the characters, but the story itself it mine.

Author’s note: Following the events in ”Extreme Risk”.

Summary: B’Elanna is having trouble when her emotions appear again. Are they stronger or is
she just not used to the effect?

Dedicated to: Regina and Kaye, for overwhelming support.

****

PUZZLE By VOY_GIRL

B’Elanna tapped her foot against the carpet outside holodeck one. She was strangely reluctant
about going in.

It took her a few of the small hours to find the program she looked for, though the database
seemed to contain only cadet works of the holoprogram she wanted. And now she didn’t dare
to go in.

The past days had been very revolutionary for her, caused by the emotions returning little by
little, catching her unaware.

She sighed, determined, and stepped in. What could be the harm in that?

*

The middle-aged holo counselor looked professionally at her, stroking the gray streaks in his
short, dark beard with his thumb.

B’Elanna studied the typical Starfleet office environment from her position in an uncomfortable
easy chair. It stood in the middle of the room, which only fortified her feeling of being the
involuntary center of attention. The chrono on the wall told her that she was six minutes into
her session. She’d explained in short terms, and was now waiting for a response.

This program was the creation of some cadet, one that apparently lacked imagination, but it
had to due for B’Elanna.
There was no way she could talk to the Doctor, and even less chance that she would go to
Chakotay, the ship’s unofficial counselor.

The hologram had been equipped with a deep, throaty voice, and his statement stopped
B’Elanna’s drifting thoughts.

”So you are cooling on your boyfriend.”

Definitely the work of a cadet.

”I want to discover which feelings for him that are real, and which aren’t.” She corrected,
trying to be patient.

She couldn’t remember that she’d felt so much at the same time for Tom, now that the
numbness had left her, leaving her bruised and bewildered.

Some of the feelings had to be false, had to be deceiving. It was funny how fast she could
forget what love felt like, she didn’t believe it could have been so much as she felt.

Some feelings she never experienced must have found their way into her as the mental barriers
finally burst, after the news about the Maquis slaughter which had put those barriers there in
the first place.

”Then I suggest,” the counselor said, sounding even more uninterested, like it was something
he heard every day, and didn’t find worth to put any effort in. ”That you give me one reason
for why you love him.”

”Why?”

”If you give me one, I believe your emotions will clear up. Gather around that reason, focus on
it, see only it, forget all other emotions.”

This was not the advice B’Elanna had awaited, and with shock she realized that she didn’t have
a quick and obvious response to give.

”Computer, end program!” She ordered, feeling then first state of panic creep into her veins.
A few days ago she’d wished for any emotion, even panic, fear, but now she wasn’t so sure.

She didn’t know why she was in love with her boyfriend.

She stumbled out the holodeck entrance. If she could see Tom maybe a reason would come to
her.

*

B’Elanna arrived outside Tom’s quarters, a fast walk later, she didn’t want people to see her as
a running, emotionless maniac.

She practically hit the chime repeatedly, threatening it for a hasty response. Mere seconds were
too long for her.

The moments it took Tom t react almost drove B’Elanna crazy, at least that was what she
thought.

It seemed like all her emotions had been painfully enhanced during the time she’d lived without
them.

Tom called the door open, and moved to greet whoever was outside.
Seeing that it was B’Elanna surprised him a little, as he believed she was resting, but he was
glad she was there.

”Hi!” He smiled. A smile that quickly faded due to his girlfriend’s staring. It made him feel
small and uncomfortable. Normally he would have enjoyed eye contact, but her blank stare
made him squirm.

She stood outside, in the dark afternoon hallway, just staring intense at him.

Tom eyed her reluctantly. ”Wouldn’t you like to come in?” He tried, motioning into his
quarters.

”I can’t do it. I can’t pick something out!” Her first sentence had been a whisper, though in the
end of the second it rose to a shriek.

Tom sensed that something was very wrong, took the few steps that brought him out into the
hallway, gripped her firm shoulders and pulled her back with him.

When the door closed behind them, Tom still had his hands at her shoulders. It was his turn to
stare.

”What’s the matter?”

B’Elanna looked at him, the pained look deep within her eyes remained him of a lost little girl.
It was clear that she was fighting herself, whether to answer or not.

The little girl won over the other side, the side that wanted to keep words, claim them as
B’Elanna’s property and shut them in forever.

”I went to a counselor. On the holodeck.”

Tears appeared rapidly and unexpected in the corners of her eyes. Tom ordered the door to be
locked.

”I wanted to straighten out my feelings, somehow keep track of them. I just wanted to know
which are true!” B’Elanna sobbed, only once, but it was enough for Tom to loosen his grip
around her shoulders and let her lean against him.

”I don’t understand,” he said, feeling completely lost and helpless.

Even though B’Elanna seemed to wear her heart on her sleeve that day, she managed to regain
some of her old control regarding every emotion except anger. She released Tom and wiped a
few single tears away.

Then she turned, and walked over to the familiar sofa, knowing Tom would follow her.

They should be able to have a conversation as adults. No screaming, no fighting, and definitely
no crying.

They both sat down, relatively close, and B’Elanna began to explain again.

”I’m not sure how I feel about you. I’m having so many motions at the time now. It’s an inner
turmoil I can’t put to words, and that can’t be good.”

Tom felt himself react to her words, his heart quickened, his senses being strengthen. It was a
natural defense mechanism, if she was going to break up with him, he should hear the cause.
To him, it sounded concerning and much like a start of a hard time alone.

She continued, ”The counselor told me that I would rediscover which feelings that had been
the true ones if I found out what the reason I loved you for was. I rushed here hoping I’d get
the answer by looking at you. It didn’t work.”

B’Elanna bit her lower lip, desperately not wanting to start sobbing again. It was hard enough
for Tom to take anyway.

”Are you trying to call us off?” Tom asked, trying to keep himself together. The environment,
the ship, the sofa; it all seemed to become cold.

”No! I just don’t know what to do!”

”So what you’re feeling for me now is not the same as before?” He sighed, to him this was a
horrible end to a beautiful saga.

”I think the foundation is the same, it’s just being pested by other emotions all the time, so I
can’t get to it! I don’t have access to my own heart!”

”Maybe you’ll rediscover that foundation if you just give yourself some time to adjust.”

”I don’t want to wait! I want to love again! I was so sure about my feelings before. I know the
love is somewhere inside of me, and if I had one more piece the puzzle would be solved and I
would be sure again.”

”Puzzle?” Tom felt more and more confused. He felt like he was being pushed down into his
shoes, like everything except the sofa became unreal and spun away from him.

”Since the period when I felt nothing but a void, I think I’ll have to link a few of my more
complexed emotions back together, like a puzzle. I hate puzzles.” She finished.

”Oh,” he didn’t know what else to say or if there was something he had to do to help her. ”At
least I still love you.”

”For what reason?”

The question caught Tom off guard, like it had caught B’Elanna.

”One reason? You want one reason?” He said, like it was not getting to him. The exaggerated
tone on every ‘one’ did not appeal B’Elanna.
”I can’t choose one reason. It’s you, all of you. The whole mixture. Everything!”

”But according to the counselor one should be able-”

”The counselor is wrong! It’s a holo character, told what to say. You can’t love a person for
one reason!” Tom screamed. ”If you realize you’ve only loved one thing about me, then...”
He couldn’t finish the sentence, instead he buried his head in his hands.

B’Elanna studied him. His body language revealed that he’d given up. But he was right.
That was why the advice had felt so wrong, and left so many doubts within her. She hadn’t
loved him for one reason, and she never could. Maybe her emotions were clearing up, because
she had a new plant of hope growing inside.

Tom was obviously crushed, and she didn’t know many ways to console him. She patted him
on his back, maybe him look up, and hugged him. He hugged back almost immediately. Hard.

B’Elanna had missed it. It was real, present, comforting and soothing. It was trust.
She froze. The last piece claimed its rightful place within her.

Ten minutes later, B’Elanna had been through the most intense part of the turmoil. The
conclusion.

Tom hadn’t let go of her, probably undergoing a chaos of his own.

Finally B’Elanna could say it. Say it like the truth it was.

”I love you,” she whispered. ”And I have chosen my reason.”

Tom mumbled something against her shoulder, probably a protest regarding the one reason.
B’Elanna didn’t stop herself from finishing the sentence to find out.

”Your eyes. They contain all of you. Everything.”

***
End.
***
Author’s comment:
I don’t expect you to understand it all, since some of it probably is the product of my own
vision of how love should be like, and puzzles should be laid.