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Monster
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 337
Location: The Great Plains
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 Fri Feb 03, 2006 3:57 pm Facts About Chuck Norris |
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Check these out. My brother found them the other day on another forum. Some of these are hilarious:
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Interesting Facts About Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. After spent the first 45 minutes eating the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a freakin Indian.
Chuck Norris can make a woman faint by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris.
Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris does not know about this list. Otherwise you'd be dead.
A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to pee into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can pee on whatever wants.
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.
Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.
Chuck Norris can hear silence.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
Pi is not infinite. It stops when Chuck Norris tells it to.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets becuase they know better.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't mess with Chuck!"
Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.
Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.
Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know darn well why.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, �Trix are for Chuck Norris.�
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.
After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my foot", Chuck replied.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way..
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Last edited by Monster on Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:09 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Leo Wyatt
Sweetest Angel
Joined: 25 Feb 2004
Posts: 19045
Location: Investigating A Crime Scene. What did Quark do this time?
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| Fri Feb 03, 2006 3:59 pm |
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Where did you get all this from? Lol
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madlilnerd
Duchess of Dancemat
Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 5885
Location: Slough, England
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| Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:00 pm |
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Have you seen the flash cartoon "The ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny"?
Chuck Norris kicks Indiana Jones in the groin and then gets beat up by Gandalf, Darth Vader, Doc Oc, Mr Spock and a few others... 
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Monster
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 337
Location: The Great Plains
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| Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:09 pm |
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| Leo Wyatt wrote: | | Where did you get all this from? Lol |
I'm not sure.
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Superman
Fleet Admiral
Joined: 06 Dec 2003
Posts: 10220
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| Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:44 pm |
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I like Chuck Norris movies. Also, he appeared at WWF Survivor Series in November 1994. A wrestler known as The Undertaker took on Yokosuna in a Casket Match. Chuck Norris was the special guest ringside referee (or enforcer, rather).
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Ziona
Fleet Admiral
Joined: 22 Aug 2001
Posts: 12821
Location: Michigan... for now
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Valathous
The Canadian, eh
Joined: 31 Aug 2002
Posts: 19074
Location: Centre Bell
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| Sat Feb 04, 2006 12:26 am |
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Yeah, it's from a "Random Chuck Norris Facts generator".
There is also one for Vin Diesal and Mr. T. I've found them on the internet. They're funny.
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robbiewebster
Rear Admiral
Joined: 27 Apr 2004
Posts: 2594
Location: Rochester, New York
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| Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:56 pm |
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Did anyone see the digital short they did on SNL last week about "young Chuck Norris"?
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