The Lord of the Blenders

[Gondor Girl]

This is a Lord of the Rings parody. It's still not finished, but I'm working on it. I hope you enjoy it.

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section I

Billygoat Maggots wriggled with joy when he saw the lights being put into the great tree. Polo Maggots, his nephew, was standing next to him with a very worried expression on his face.
�Don�t you think that you�re overdoing it a bit?� Polo asked his uncle.
�Of course I am. That�s the fun part of this being my birthday party. I can overdo anything I want to.�
One lamp for each year of his life was to be placed on this poor, poor tree. Yes, this was the preparation for his 1,111,111,111,111th birthday party. The tree was so loaded down with lights and was drooping so low that it�s top was a full two feet from the ground, and it only had 2,939,845 of the lamps on it so far.
Billygoat was grinning ear to ear when, all of a sudden, a branch laden with fifty lamps broke and landed directly on his head. He was out like a cheap lightbulb. Polo screamed in horror as his now comatose uncle fell on him with a huge �CRUNCH�. You see, old Billygoat may be considered to be well preserved, but he really let himself go where his weight was concerned. All that was seen of Polo now were his feet sticking out from under his uncle, wriggling around.
Polo�s best friend, Sandwich Bumblebee, also known as Sand grabbed a firm hold of Polo�s ankles and heaved him out from under the obese Robbit. Polo was quite out of breath, bumped, bruised, and scraped but otherwise unharmed. Polo�s cousin, Mathmatic Handyduck, and second cousin, Pickador Lock, more commonly known as Mathy and Pickin, rushed over to see what had made that really loud noise.
�Are you all right?� asked Mathy, quite out of breath from running a full five yards.
�*squeak* N� *wheeze* no *gasp* I CAN�T BREATHE!! *pant, pant*� said Polo, the last part being so loud that the echo was heard all the way from Goldmoor.
While all of this was happening, their Lizard friend, Random the Grub, went to check Billygoat�s pulse.
�He is alive,� said he
�Did we ask?� said Polo, still wheezing.
�No, but I just thought that you would be concerned. He is your uncle,� said Random.
�WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG!� said Polo, regaining his breath.
�Eesh! Okay, you don�t have to shout.� Random said, rubbing his ears.
�He isn�t shouting,� said Sand. Sand was going a little deaf.
A few Robbit doctors came, poked and prodded Billygoat�s inanimate body, and looked up at Polo with grim looks on their faces.
�There is only one place that might be able to revive this poor Robbit,� said the one who seemed to be in charge.
Polo looked at him with his eyebrows raised. When the doctor said nothing. Polo let out a low �yeeeeeeeeeeesssss?�
�Oh, yes, umm, we think that you have to take him to Riverbell,� said the doctor.
�NO WAY! I�m not taking him all the way to Riverbell! You�re out of your mind. Why not just bury him right here and crack out the will? That works bes--� Random cut in, �I could take him to Riverbell. I have a fast horse.�
At that he heaved Billygoat onto his horse, who then staggered. He got up also onto his horse, who staggered again, then rode away at a snails pace.

[Gondor Girl]

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section II

Polo watched as he slowly disappeared over the horizon. Then he looked at Sand, Mathy, and Pickin.
�I�m cracking out the will anyway. The Robbit wa-- er� is 1,111,111,111,111 years old,� said Polo, hoping no one heard his slip-up.
The four Robbits started walking away when the doctor stopped them and extended his hand, palm up.
�That�ll be 500 gold pieces.�
�For what?� said Polo.
�For telling you where to take Billygoat,� said the doctor.
�Well, I�m not paying it!� said Polo, �THAT�S RIDICULOUS!�
The doctor then gave him a strong, hard slap across the face with the hand that used to be extended. Polo fell to the ground a bit stunned, the doctor looked at Mathy, who looked worriedly back at him, and extended his hand to him.
�You�re next of kin,� said he.
Mathy pushed his glasses up on his nose and pulled out a huge sack of gold coins all at the same time, never taking his terrified eyes off of the doctor. He poured out a large quantity of gold coins and without counting them, gave them to the doctor.
�How do I know that that�s 500 coins?� said the doctor, eyeing the slinking Robbit.
�This is Mathy we�re talking about here,� said Pickin, �you can rest assured that you hold precisely, ummm, however many coins he was supposed to give you.�
Mathy looked pathetically at Pickin, then looked back at the doctor and gave a nervous grin.
�Yes, that is precisely 500 gold coins.�
The doctor put the coins in his sack and walked off with the other doctors, with a satisfied grin. Sand then helped the still stunned Polo to his feet, and they made for Billygoat and Polo�s Robbit-pit, Baggy Drawers.
As soon as they walked through the door to Baggy Drawers Polo sprinted to an ancient chest that he knew had old uncle Billygoat�s will in it.
�This is it, this is it, this is it, this is it!� said Polo.
His eyes were wide with excitement as he flung the lid of the chest off so hard that one of the hinges broke, and the nail holding it in went flying and just barely missed Sand. The next thing anyone knew was that Polo was in a chair with an old paper in his hands, looking at it with a huge grin stretched across his face. As he read, his grin disappeared. As a matter of fact, it turned into a gigantic frown. His eyes flashed, and he stood up.
�I CAN�T BELIEVE THIS!! THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE!!� he shouted furiously at the paper.
He sat down, fuming and read the will again, hoping beyond hope that there was some mistake. Mathy came up to his side so quietly that Polo didn�t realize he was there, and started reading the will over his shoulder.
�What does it say?� said Sand and Pickin alike.
�Nothing!� said Polo and he quickly pressed the text up against his chest so no one could see.
�Wait a minute! I wasn�t done reading that,� said Mathy.
Mathy then quickly snatched the paper from Polo�s hands, adjusted his glasses and began to mutter over the entire text until it reached Polo�s segment in which part he read aloud.
�and for Polo, I hereby leave only my old circuit conductor. It is absolutely useless and I have no idea what it is supposed to do. Polo will not receive Baggy Drawers. That I leave to the Sacky-Maggotses. I say that Polo shall be thrown onto the streets, to fend for himself with nothing but that old circuit conductor.�

[lionhead]

Heh, it good. Its very funny. want an advice? Don't use too much dialogues. But h�, who am i right?

[Gondor Girl]

(Thanks, lionhead. Well, I've already written a little more than half of the Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor, but I'm pretty certain the amount of dialogue does lessen as the story continues .)

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section III

At that Mathy and Pickin began to laugh. Sand, on the other hand, attempted to comfort the now devastated Polo.
�That�s okay. At least you have a circuit conductor,� he began to think about it, �Hey, I don�t have to be your gardener anymore,� he got up and started to dance, �WOOHOO!�
Polo looked like he was on the verge of crying. He was muttering to himself. No one could hear him, nor did they care if they could, for they were having a grand time laughing at his misfortune. Polo picked up the will that had been dropped by Mathy, and read the rest of it silently. It read:
�This old circuit conductor will most likely be in the top drawer of my dresser. It has been there since I was 60. I give it to no other because it has a terrible shock if you touch it.�
Polo then stood up with a very miffed look on his face. When the other Robbits saw this they quieted down. They knew that no good thing happened when Polo was miffed.
�So what are you going to do then?� asked Pickin.
Polo grinned. He ran to a closet, carried rubber gloves he found in the closet with him to Billygoat�s room. Then no one saw him for a little while. A loud yelp came from the room and Polo came out again, now wearing the rubber gloves and approaching the other Robbits menacingly with a circuit conductor in his hand. The other Robbits were then backing away slowly.
Mathy said wide-eyed, �You�re not actually going to��
�Oh-ho, yes I am. This is for LAUGHING AT ME!� Polo then leapt at Pickin and zapped him with the conductor, �And this is for NOT WANTING TO BE MY GARDENER!� he then zapped Sand. He then turned and looked menacingly at Mathy, �and you,� he placed the circuit conductor on Mathy�s neck and held it there for a while. Mathy started to scream as he was being electrocuted, but Polo muffled him, �this is for READING THE WILL TO EVERYONE ELSE!�
Then they all noticed something. Mathy was invisible. Polo took the conductor off of him and he reappeared. Mathy then fell to his knees and held the area of his neck that Polo had just thoroughly electrocuted; they could see the electric current rushing through his glasses. Pickin said what was on everyone�s mind.
�Mathy just turned invisible.�
Sand turned to him and said, �YOU THINK?�
�Yeah, I do,� he turned to Mathy, �how does it feel to be invisible?�
Mathy just groaned and fell entirely on the ground, still holding his neck. Polo stood up on a chair.
�I have decided that we are going to go to Riverbell and have a little chat with Uncle Billygoat about this will,� He jumped off of the chair, �and you guys are coming with me.�
Mathy groaned even louder as Polo took off one of his gloves and put the circuit conductor in it. He then put the conductor filled glove into his pocket. Polo then folded the will and thought he put it into his pocket, but really he missed it entirely and it fell to the floor. However, he didn�t notice this.
Pickin looked at Polo and watched the will float to the ground, �Pol��
�WHAT?!� shouted Polo and he gave a look that could kill.
�I was just wondering, do we really have to go with you? This is something that sounds like it should stay just in the family.� Pickin replied.
�Hate to break it to you, Pickin, but you are family,� said Polo.
�Oh, yeah. Drat!� said Pickin scrunching his nose in disappointment.
�Let�s go!� said Polo, and he sprinted out the door shortly followed by Sand and Pickin. Mathy peeled himself off of the floor, adjusted his glasses so that they were once again straight on his face, and ran off, as best he could, after the other three, bumping into many things along the way, being uncoordinated still from the long shock of the circuit conductor.

[Gondor Girl]

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section IV

They traveled through valleys, over hills, in swamps, they reached the road and decided that they should take that for a while when a strange noise happened. It sounded like a horn, a tuba to be precise, except it sounded as though there were words intermingled into it. This tuba sound sent shivers up the Robbits� spines.
�Did everyone hear that, or is the circuit conductor still buzzing in my ears?� asked Mathy, hoping that it was the latter.
�Hear what?� said Sand.
�That sound.�
�What sound?�
�I�m going to take it that it is the circuit conductor buzzing in my ears.�
�Don�t be so quick to believe that, I heard it too,� said Polo.
�You�re CARRYING the thing,� said Sand.
�But I heard it too,� said Pickin.
�If it was a real sound, I would have heard it,� said Sand.
At that moment, Polo, Mathy, and Pickin heard the sound of hoofbeats.
�Now surely you hear that,� said Mathy and Pickin to Sand at the same time.
�What?� asked Sand, completely oblivious.
�Sounds like hooves,� said Polo, �Let�s hide off of the road and scare the living daylights out of whoever it happens to be.�
�Sounds good to me,� said the other three Robbits.
They all scampered into a nearby bush. A blinding white light popped up over the hill that they had just passed over. The tuba noise passed through their ears again. It was coming from the white light. The light then dimmed down and they saw a white horse, but even more importantly they saw a man on top of the horse dressed in radiantly white robes with a hood up over his head. They could not see this man�s face, for a bright light was coming from under the hood that was so bright that it illuminated the woods even though it was nighttime.
Pickin once again said what was on everyone�s mind, �What is that?�
�Shhhh� said all the rest of the Robbits.
The white thing rode down the hill and stopped right next to the bush, snorting like there was no tomorrow. At that moment, Mathy tensed. He looked around franticly.
Pickin whispered to him, �What�s wrong?�
�I think a spider just crawled up my pant leg,� Mathy replied.
�Oh, okay.�
Then as the white rider was about to ride away, Mathy jumped up howling.
�IT BIT ME, THE STUPID THING BIT ME, OWWWW! IT BIT ME AGAIN! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! KILL IT!�
The white rider looked over at the bush. The other three Robbits leapt out of the bush, and the rider was instantly off of his horse and on the ground. He let out the tuba sound again and then threw them off of him. He drew his sword and just as he rose it to strike them with it, another sound, a different sound, struck all of their ears, even Sand�s. They all screamed. The white rider jumped onto his horse slid off of the other side. Attempted to jump on again, missed the horse entirely, then gave up and just ran away. The horse followed him. Mathy stopped jumping up and down. The spider had crawled out of his pants and ran away. They all covered their ears. The noise was getting louder and louder.

[Gondor Girl]

(I know you're all silently upset that I didn't post more yesterday so I'll post two today)

The Fellowship of the Circuir Conductor- part I
Section V

�What is that noise?� screamed Polo above the horrible noise.
�It sounds like singing! Really bad singing!� Mathy shouted back.
The noise could be discerned as music. It was a great clamor of voices, each singing their own tune, each completely off key. One voice rose above the rest.
�I am a Belf who sings with grace
I sing to honor my Belfen race
Leave me alone, I wish to sing
Leave me to do my own thing
I lead this big ol� walking clump
We leave because our home is a dump
We wish to see our home no more
Or my name is not Woodor�
The voices sounded like they were right behind them, so they turned around. They were surprised to see a bunch of Belfs walking out of the forest behind them. They were all looking down. The one that sang looked up and jumped three feet into the air.
�Where did you come from, little people?� he said.
�What do you mean? We are still in the Fire. This is our home,� answered Polo.
�So it is. What be your name, little one?� said the Belf.
�Since we live here, I ask first. Is your name really Woodor?� asked Pickin.
�Yes, I really do not want to see my home anymore, little one,� said Woodor. His eyes then brightened as if he suddenly remembered something. �Oh yes, do you know where I can find a Polo Maggots?�
�Perhaps,� said Polo a bit suspiciously, �why do you want to know?�
�Little people surely have no trust, do they? Anyway, I seek him to give him tidings, a cursed last minute request by lord Gellon, I�m afraid. They never let people leave without giving them one.�
�What sort of tidings?� asked Polo.
�That his uncle, Billygoat Maggots, has recovered quite nicely, but shall not return to the Fire, for he desires to be there no longer. He wishes for his nephew to spread word that he is dead and to take the will into action, can you tell Mr. Maggots that so that I do not have to, little one?� answered Woodor.
�There is no need,� said Polo, �for I am Polo Maggots of the Fire.�
At that Woodor looked surprised.
�Really? I expected you to be better looking,� said Woodor, �no matter, our task is finished now we must sing and feast.�
�Could we just do the feasting part?� asked Pickin.
Woodor simply raised one eyebrow, and a bunch of other Belfs came and prodded the Robbits along through the forest until they came to a grove. The entire way there the Belfs were singing. It reminded Polo strangely of fingernails and chalkboards.
�Would you consider just SHUTTING UP AND WALKING!?� screamed Sand above the horrible noise.
They simply replied, �No,� and continued their singing.
When they finally reached the grove, all of the Belfs tripped on something at the same time. The Robbits tried to run away while the Belfs were picking themselves up and dusting themselves off, but.
�Wait!� came a cry
One of the quicker Belfs caught Pickin, who was right in front of the rest of the Robbits, by the arm. The other Robbits in turn proceeded to run into Pickin until they were all sprawled out on the ground.
�You guys are going the wrong way,� said the Belf not knowing that they were trying to get away, � the grove is that way.�
�Oh, heh, heh, right,� said Polo pretending like he didn�t know, �that way.�
�Yes, that way,� the Belf said, herding the Robbits to the grove.

[Gondor Girl]

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section VI

The other Belfs were standing up at that time and were already in the grove. Woodor was sitting on a stump chair at the head of a long table that was made out of leaves. This table was very unstable and many Belfs� food slipped through it and splattered on the ground. The words that the Belfs said when this happened, though in Belfish, sounded like words that the Robbits did not care to have translated for them, even though Woodor did so anyway. The food itself was a disgusting green glop with little green chunks in it. When it was served to the Robbits, they just stared at it for a while. Then Pickin, who seems to be a reader of minds, once again said what was on the other Robbits� minds.
�What in the Fire is this?�
�It is the byproducts of trees,� said Woodor, happily munching on his �food�.
At that all of the Robbits turned as green as their food and shoved it through the table, and it splattered on the ground.
�Oh, let me get you another plate full,� said Woodor.
The Robbits politely and desperately declined when he started to get up, saying things like, �No thanks� �I�m not hungry� �If you get another plate full and tell me to eat it, I�ll rip your head off.� The last one was said by Sand, who is not afraid to offend anyone. When Sand said this, Woodor gasped and the other Belfs looked at him.
�Seize him!� screamed Woodor, �Kill them!�
�Nice work, Sand,� said Polo.
The entire company of Belfs then started to approach them. Only then did the doomed Robbits realize that most Belfs have claws as they saw them unsheathe.
�AAAAAAAAA!� screamed the terrified Robbits. They ran into the woods as fast as their feet could carry them and wished never to see another Belf again. Unfortunately they were headed for Riverbell, which they realized was a Belfen city. They ran until they reached a plain and when Mathy looked back halfway across it, he saw a glowing white dot in front of the trees.
�RUN FASTER!� said Mathy as he sprinted far ahead of the others.
He sprinted so fast that his glasses went flying off of his face and, of course, Pickin stepped on him. Now Mathy could only see blurs, and when he looked back again, he saw a big white blur. Then came the long anticipated tuba noise. There was a very thick forest ahead of them. Mathy, still being in front, and still being blind as a bat, ran right into a tree and the others ran into the forest. Pickin grabbed Mathy by the coat and dragged him in. After they all caught their breath, Polo was the first to speak.
�Maybe he didn�t see us,� he said.
�Why�s he chasing us? Surely he realized that Robbits overreact and we didn�t mean any harm when we knocked him off of his horse,� said Pickin in a whiny voice.
�I just don�t know about that white rider. Every time he is near by, I feel this incredible urge to shock myself with the circuit conductor. I know, lord Gellon of Riverbell is a wise guy. Maybe he can tell us about this strange thing.�
Polo pulled out the rubber glove that still contained the circuit conductor and shook his head.
�I don�t know why I would EVER want to shock myself with this thing.�
He put the glove back into his pocket as Pickin looked around.
�Where are we anyway?� he said.
�What does it look like here?� asked Mathy, rubbing his nose and squinting his eyes, trying desperately to see more clearly.
�Trees, a lot of trees,� said Sand.
�Well, if my calculations are correct and we are where I think we are, we would do well to get out of here,� Mathy said with a tone of concern in his voice.

[Seven of Nine]

Funny

[Gondor Girl]

(thanks )

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section VII

�Why? Where are we?� asked Polo, a bit vexed that he still didn�t answer the question.
�I think we are in the Ancient Woods. It is said that the trees in this forest hate Robbits,�
At that point, a tree bent over and swiped them all off of their feet.
�As I was saying,� said Mathy, �we would do well to get out of here.�
Pickin got up and went to where they just came in and looked out.
�But that white rider and his twin are out there�
�His twin?� said the other three Robbits.
�Well, they look exactly the same.�
�If they�re out there,� said Polo, �then who cares about the way the trees feel about us�� he was then whacked by another branch, he fell to the ground and looked up at the rest of the Robbits and groaned as he said, �we need to go through here to the other side.�
Sand helped Polo to his feet and they went on their way going where they hoped was east. They were very hungry, and then they realized something: they forgot to pack when they left. They had no food or water. Their conversations went in a cycle like this:
�I�m tired,� said Pickin.
�We�re all tired, Pickin,� said Polo.
�I�m hungry,� said Pickin.
�We�re all hungry, Pickin,� said Mathy.
�I want to go home,� said Pickin.
�We all want to go home, Pickin,� said Sand.
At this point Polo would scowl and they would all become silent until Pickin started it all over again from �I�m tired�. Polo, Sand, and Pickin trudged along grimly being tripped, beaten, whacked, assaulted, and battered by the trees. Mathy however didn�t need any help getting scraped and bruised as he, still being blind, was constantly running into trees. Then he ran into a tree that had a bunch of cracks in its sides. A crack swallowed him up and the only trace of him was a muffled �help� coming from inside of the tree. Pickin heard this, twirled around, twirled too fast, fell to the ground from throwing off his equilibrium and saw Mathy�s jacket on the ground next to the tree.
�Polo, Sand, I think a tree just ate Mathy!� said Pickin, his eyes wide.
He ran to the jacket and picked it up, then proceeded to faint and fall into another crack that swallowed him up. This Polo and Sand saw and they rushed to the tree and pounded the living daylights out of it.
�You let them out you�� this was cut off as they were both swallowed up.
The tree then spat all four of them out, they soared through the air over the forest and landed just on the other side of it.
�Well that was lucky,� said Pickin.
�That was weird,� said Polo.
�That was cool,� said Sand.
�That was painful,� said Mathy.
They trudged on until they reached a cairn. A bunch of little severed body parts came crawling out of it.
�What in the world?� said Sand.
�We are the Barrel-Lights, you have trespassed into our Barrel-Depths. You must pay the price,� said a severed head.
�No more. I�ve had enough for one day,� groaned Mathy.
�Bring it on. I�m not afraid,� said Polo.
�You are ready for the punishment?� said the Barrel-light.
The Robbits all slowly nodded.
�Fine, HAND, ARM,� a hand and an arm came to the head, �get the swords.�
The Robbits all tensed up.

[gul Lemek III.]

Gondor Girl, you have a real talent for writing (assuming of course, this is your work )

[Gondor Girl]

(Oy! It's been a while since I've posted here. Sorry guys! This is indeed my work, and I thank you. It's great to hear that you like it. Here's more! )

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section VIII

�What are you going to do to us?� asked Pickin.
�As punishment for trespassing on our land, you are sentenced to take these stupid swords of the Westernvest. They have cut us all to pieces and we want them out of the Barrel-depths. Take them away from here. Never come back, leastwise not with the swords.�
The hand and the arm came back, each bearing two swords. Each of the Robbits grabbed one.
�Now go!� said the Barrel-light.
They ran with all of their might until they were out of sight. Then they stopped.
�Was that a head and nothing but a head?� asked Polo.
�There was a disembodied head?� asked Mathy suddenly getting nervous, �I didn�t know there was a disembodied head. Where was it?�
�Talking to us,� said Polo, a little wierded out himself.
�That�s not possible,� said Mathy.
�Okay. Let�s go,� said Polo.
They continued on their tiring journey. About fifty feet later there was a wall that seemingly came out of nowhere and for some reason Mathy was in the front of the group. He ran smack into it.
�Ow! What was that?� he said, rubbing his nose and squinting his eyes again, trying to see what he ran into.
The wall that he ran into had bright yellow and black stripes all over it. The Robbits followed the wall until they reached a gate. It had a big window in it and they looked in to see a village, brightly covered in yellow and black stripes.
�Where are we?� asked Polo, Pickin, and Sand.
There was a big sign above the gate, but only Pickin and Sand saw it. Sand leaned over to Pickin�s ear.
�Do you see that thing?� he asked.
�Yes,� Pickin answered.
�Do you know what it is?� asked Sand.
�Nope,� answered Pickin with a non-caring grin on his face.
�Neither do I.�
There was a big doorbell with another sign underneath of it. It read:
�Please push this for service.�
Pickin went up to the door and banged on it with all of his might. After a while, a very miffed man came and peered down at them with an enormous glower on his face.
�Go away!� he said.
�Well, that�s not very polite,� said Mathy, �You didn�t even ask what we wanted.�
�That�s because only idiots or door-to-door salesmen knock on the door, and we don�t want neither of �em in here,� said the man while looking at them suspiciously.
�Well how are we to know that?� asked Mathy.
�Perhaps because of the big sign underneath the doorbell telling you to ring it.�
�There�s a doorbell?� said Mathy squinting at either side of the door, "There�s a door?� At this point, Mathy was terribly puzzled.
�Yes. Clearly, you guys aren�t door-to-door salesmen, you�re just idiots,� said the gatekeeper.
Mathy was just about to object when Polo cut in, �Mathy, my simple friend, you aren�t speaking the language that this fine man wants to hear. He wants to hear things more like this.�
He pulled out a small sack and jiggled it. The sound that came from within was the clear sound of jingling coins. The gatekeeper�s expression changed drastically,
�How much you got in there?� he asked.
�Enough for you,� Polo replied.
�I doubt that. How much?� said the gatekeeper persistently.

[Gondor Girl]

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section IX

Polo simply placed the sack into Mathy�s hand and whispered something into his ear. Then Mathy poured precisely 100 gold coins into the man�s hands. The man�s face filled with happiness when he saw the glint of the coins.
�Perhaps I was wrong. This is enough for me. Welcome to Bee!� he put the coins in his pockets and started dancing away singing in pure joy.
�Um, excuse me,� said Polo, �but you forgot to let us in.�
The man was already far out of earshot.
�Grrr� must we always do things the hard way?� Polo groaned, �Sand, get us through that gate.�
Sand then picked up Polo. Polo started screaming as he threw him over the gate. They heard a large THUD! and an OAF! on the other side. Then they saw through the window, everyone except for Mathy, Polo standing up and dusting himself off on the other side. Sand then threw Pickin, then Mathy over the gate. Then he just kind of looked up.
�Now what do I do?� said Sand.
�Think of something,� said Polo.
�Throw yourself up,� said Pickin, �I�d like to see that.�
Sand grabbed himself, then, defying every law of physics, threw himself over the gate and had a belly flop landing.
�Ouch,� came a muffled voice.
�Who said that?� asked Pickin.
Sand got up and under him was a very smashed man, he got up and with a simple �stupid Robbits,� hobbled off.
�I suggest we split up,� said Mathy.
�Why?� asked Polo.
�You and Sand can go reserve rooms at an inn for us to stay in, and Pickin and I go to a lens store and get glasses.�
�But I don�t need glasses.�
�But I do.�
�Fine then, just go once we�ve already gotten a room and don�t expect anyone to go with you.�
�But then how will I find it?�
�Why else do you have hands, feel your way around.�
They then wondered in, among, and through crowds of stinky, dirty men for hours on end when they finally found an inn. It was called �The Afflicted Horse�. It was an old shabby looking place, but like everything else, it was brightly colored with yellow and black stripes. They went in. Inside was as eye dazzling as the outside. Everything was either yellow or black. They looked around and saw a man. There were a lot of men in this town so that didn�t surprise them one bit. The man was just standing there, not moving one bit. Polo went up and tugged on his apron. The man�s eyes suddenly came from a glazed-over stare, to wide and awake.
�WHAAH! WHAT? What�s going on?� he looked down at the Robbits. �Who are you?�
�We came to stay at the inn, our names are our own,� replied Polo.
�I don�t deny that they�re your names, but I�m going to need them if I�m going to register you.�
�Oh� yes. This is my cousin, Mathmatic Handyduck, my second cousin, Pickador Lock, and my gardener, Sandwich Bumblebee.�
�And your name is?�
�Mister Polo Underthemountainthatfelldownandcrushedme.�
The man�s eyes widened as he stared down at the paper on his desk and wrote the long name.

[GhostOfAMemory]

*rolls around in hysterical laughter* Underthemountainthatfelldownandcrushedme! mwahahahahaha! *stands up and falls over again* Pickador Lock! tehehehehe!

I just love the town of Bee

[Gondor Girl]

(glad you're enjoying it )

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section X

�Robbits sure do have strange names,� he said, �Wait in the main room as I go and see if there are rooms available. Parliament Butterfinger is my name, if you need me just call.�
He started off, then he paused and looked at them.
�The room will cost 10,000 gold coins.�
Sand, Mathy, and Pickin�s jaws all dropped straight to the floor.
�Fine then,� said Polo
He pulled out that same sack and put it in Mathy�s hand.
�Pay the good man,� he said.
Mathy poured out precisely 10,000 gold pieces. Sand looked on in wonder.
�Where did you get all of this money?�
�I stole it from Uncle Billygoat�s room when I went to get that zappy thing,� Polo answered.
�Oh, okay,� said Sand.
They walked out into the common room and looked around. There were a bunch more stinky, dirty men in here, except there was one difference, these were stinky, dirty men who were drunk.
�Well, we�ve made reservations,� said Mathy, �I�m going to Lenscrafters. Does anyone want to come with me?�
The other Robbits just stared at him.
�I�ll take that as a no. Fine, I�ll go alone,� he stumbled his way to the door, smacked into the doorframe, then went through the door.
The other Robbits just stared at each other then shook their heads with embarrassment. On an impulse, Sand looked behind him and saw a man staring at them. This, however, wasn�t just any man, this was the man on whom Sand had landed when he threw himself over the gate. The man had a hood on and stared hard and long unblinkingly back at Sand. Sand then walked over to him.
�Do you have a problem?!� said Sand rather disgruntled at the starey-ness of this man.
�Apart from the fact that you broke my arm?� said the man, that stare never leaving his face.
Sand then realized that this man�s left arm was in a sling. Polo and Pickin walked up next to Sand.
�Is this guy giving you trouble?� asked Pickin, rolling up his sleeve.
The man looked at Pickin and started edging away from him.
�Who are you?� asked Polo.
�I am known as Griper. That is all you need to know,� the man replied, still eyeing Pickin warily, �Could you ask him to go away or something? He�s making me nervous.�
�Pickin, stand down,� said Sand, �I think that breaking his arm is enough.�
�How did we break his arm?� asked Polo.
�He�s the man I landed on.�
�Oh, then, technically, you broke his arm.�
�Yeah, yeah.�
�And I can do whatever I want to him,� said Pickin, grinning evilly at Griper and smacking his fist against his hand.
Griper whimpered and put his right arm protectively over his head. A muffled, �Don�t hurt me,� came from him.
�Stand down, Pickin!� shouted Sand, �give the guy a break.�
�That�s what I intend to do,�
Griper pulled his head up. He had a terrified look on his face.
�What did I do to you?� he said.
�Nothing. That is why Pickin is going to stop threatening you and leave you alone,� said Polo and he threw Pickin a commanding look.

[Gondor Girl]

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section XI

Pickin went and sat down. Polo turned back to Griper.
�Is there any way we can make it up to you?� he asked.
�Pay the hospital bill?� said Griper hopefully.
�YEAH RIGHT!� said Polo. �I�m not paying your hospital bill.
Sand leaned in and whispered to Polo, �Is it just me, or do you have something against paying hospital bills. First Billygoat�s and now his.�
�I don�t like doctors,� said Polo and he stuck his nose in the air and crossed his arms.
Then he opened his eyes as if struck by a sudden idea.
�I know a way we can make it up to you!�
He grabbed Griper by the arm, and Griper groaned loudly, for that arm was his left arm. Polo then grabbed his other arm and pulled him to a private waiting room. He shoved Griper down onto a chair and started pacing around him.
�Sand, wait outside.�
Sand left the room.
�I can tell you everything about my journey. I may even let you guide us to where we�re going if you know the way.�
�I think I�ll pass.�
The man started to get up out of his seat, but Polo shoved him back down.
�Where do you think your going?�
At this, Griper started to look worried again.
�So, as I was saying, we could use someone like you to guide us to our destination.�
�What makes you think I know? I mean, I don�t even know where you�re going.�
�Well, that�s a question easily answered. We�re going to Riverbell. Do you know where that is?�
Griper looked sick, �Drat!�
�What?�
�I cannot tell a lie� I do not know where that is.�
�Somehow, I don�t believe you.�
Griper started to sweat and his eyes started darted around the room, looking for any possible escape. He could see none.
�I�m going to ask one more time. Do you know where Riverbell is, and be honest.�
�Umm� no?� Griper was thoroughly wishing he hadn�t gotten tangled in this mess, now.
�Alright! That�s it! No more mister nice guy!� Polo�s eyes flashed.
He leaped at Griper and landed squarely on him. The force of the impact was too great for the chair, though, and it flipped over backwards. Griper hit the back of his head on the ground, but Polo was nicely cushioned from the fall. Griper, having never really started this with any fight in him, had lost any that might have still been in him. Polo grabbed his throat but didn�t squeeze.
�I know that you know where Riverbell is, now tell me the truth or I�ll squeeze.�
Griper looked up at him with a dazed look in his eyes, �What?�
�YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID!�
�I wasn�t finished. What makes you sure I know?�
�The fact that I asked Mr. Butterfinger about you and he said that you know. Now tell me that yourself.� He put on a little pressure.
�AGH! *gag* okay *cough* I� know�where�it�is,� he said this with each word coming with an effort.
Polo let loose and got off of him. �Good, that�s exactly what I wanted to hear.�
Griper rolled onto his side and held his throat gasping, coughing, and wheezing.
�But I don�t want to lead you there, so it wouldn�t be making amends if I led you there against my will.�

[Gondor Girl]

The Fellowship of the Circuit Conductor- part I
Section XII

�Well, it isn�t much of a choice now is it?�
�I thought it was.�
�WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG!�
Griper stood up and ran out the door. Sand was waiting outside. He saw Griper run past and figured he was up to no good. He grabbed Griper�s foot, and Griper went falling, flailing his arms in every direction, into a table. Polo caught up to him and stared at him as he just lay there staring up at the ceiling.
�Just leave me alone!� he whimpered, despairingly.
�I�ve no intentions of doing that,� said Polo, �either you lead us to Riverbell, or we kill you.�
Griper jumped up, stumbled quite weakly to a corner and turned around. Polo and Sand were surrounding him now. He reached for the hilt of his sword, grabbed it, and drew it. Polo and Sand were at first afraid until they saw it. When they did they began to laugh.
�Did you forget your glasses at home, Griper?� roared Polo, holding his stomach from laughing so hard, �Your sword is broken! AAHAHAHAHA!�
Pickin, who was now sloppy drunk came over, talking nonsense in slurred speech.
�Help us, Pickin!� cried Sand.
Pickin grabbed Griper�s left arm and wrenched it around real hard. Griper screamed in agony dropped his sword and fell to his knees.
�FINE! I�LL LEAD YOU TO RIVERBELL! JUST LET GO OF MY ARM!�
�Some man you are. You�re crying. Pickin, let go of his arm,� said Polo.
Pickin released him and Griper clutched his left arm. He tried to run towards the stairs, but he tripped over the broken table and fell flat on his face. He was so exhausted from all of this that he was dead to the world. He was out colder than an ice cube. Sand poked him.
�Is he alive?� he said.
�I don�t know,� said Polo, �Check his pulse.�
�You do it. I don�t want to touch a possibly dead guy.�
�Fine,� he reached down and touched him, �Ewww, when was the last time this guy took a bath?� he felt his neck and then quickly withdrew his hand. �Yep, pulse is present, now let�s find out what room he�s in and drag him there.�
�Good idea. PICKIN!!�
Pickin came running up still slobbering drunk, and looked at Sand with his eyebrows raised.
�Ooo galll?� he said.
�What?�
�II ough II erdh ooo gall.� He half shrugged, �II geshh no�
�Is he speaking English?� asked Polo to Sand.
�I don�t know,� he grabbed Pickin by the shoulders and slapped him across the face a couple of times, �Pickin, snap out of it!�
�Huh?� said Pickin, slightly more sober.
�Go see if you can find out which room a Mr. Griper is staying in.�
�O�ghay�*hiccup *�
Pickin went staggering off in search of Mr. Butterfinger. When suddenly a thought went through Sand�s mind.
�You know, Mr. Polo, It�s been a long time since Mathy left. Do you think he�s all right?�
�I don�t know. Maybe if he still hasn�t gotten back by the time Griper wakes up, we can use that as a means of seeing if Griper really meant it.�