Makeshift, by Voy_Girl

[Seven of Nine]

I'm bringing back all the completed stories from the Archive, so that they can be re-read. Here is one of my favourites, originally posted in 25 parts, through December upto Christmas Day.

*****

Makeshift

by

Voy_Girl

*

A mess hall, walls covered with all kinds of Christmas
ornaments.
One crowd, gathered around the shining tree in the
middle.
Two people, each having a far corner to themselves,
the whole stretch of the otherwise table filled hall.
Two people, in the same situation as all the others,
but alone.
Present, but not involved in the merry joy.

One year ago, one of them hadn't time to even think
about the season, as she was busy repairing a Maquis
raider falling apart.
The other person, on the other hand, had possessed
all too much time to think about Christmas; too much time
to think about everything. Perhaps that is what one can
do locked up in a cheerless cell in a grey prison.

They two persons, two strong individuals, nodded at
the people strolling by, taking occasional sips of their
equal drinks. Overall looking happy and filled with the
merry holiday spirit.

Neither of them wanted to show anyone else what
they really felt and thought. Nor could no one tell
that was the case, at least not no one who didn't
share those blue thoughts and feelings...

*

B'Elanna let her bored gaze sweep over the
crowded room, everyone else looked happy;
everyone but herself. She could see the often present
roar of laughter pass like a wave through the crowd
gathered around some witty storyteller.
She couldn't hear anything, as the loud carols surrounded
her at all time, and as she was unable to find a calm and
quiet place among the others, she stayed where she was
and suffered in silence.

Since both Chakotay and Harry were bound to the bridge
the entire evening, she had no one to confine to.
Her eyes settled for a moment, at first she couldn't
understand why, as the pounding music seemed
to stun her brain cells.
She'd fixed her eyes on Tom Paris, without even knowing
why herself.

Then she immediately understood why she unconsciously
had rested her eyes there.
He was standing alone. B'Elanna smirked. That was a sight
for her fading self-confidence during this holiday.
If she couldn't find any joy in the season, she surely could
find it in the fact that Tom was as alone as... herself.
Her malicious grin faded. She tried to make up an
acceptable reason to why Tom was alone, to dampen the
realisation that they would have anything in common.

Tom's body language was telling her something,
touching some long forgotten spot inside of her, making a
dusty bell ring.
Maybe they did have something, perhaps even a lot, in
common.
The usually perfect appearance of his co-ordinates were
disturbed tonight.
There was a slight adjustment made by him, every then
and now, just a millimeter here, and another there.
And it bugged the living daylights out of her. There were
just movements, but they were wrongly done. Wrongly
performed by the only person why could make them right.

B'Elanna's eyes narrowed, she desperately tried to discover
the flaw so she could get some peace and finally leave, she
judged that she'd been there long enough to not be classed
as totally asocial.

Maybe she finally was on to something! She squinted, and then
made her decision.
Tom almost looked...suffering. B'Elanna's eyes narrowed further,
and not before she jumped involuntarily at the confused stare
Joe Carey gave her, she stopped.

Tom looked abandoned, squirming uncomfortably where he stood,
holding his glass of strong liquor as a shield in front of him.
B'Elanna was certain he avoided something by creeping up as
the mystery of the party, but she could not get what, nor why.
She was also quite sure he hadn't noticed her searching look,
his own was too lost and fleeing for that.
It was amazing how he seemed to become another person alone.

Not everyone were blowing their tops out this time of year.
If might feel sad for some, but to B'Elanna in felt soothing. The
knowledge of the divine fact that she wasn't alone warmed her,
otherwise frozen to the season, heart. That is was her sworn
enemy did not matter, she was not such an outcast as she'd
always imagined. Or perhaps it was just him and herself who
were the outcasts after all.

Her lips curved upwards, not to form a smirk, but the beginning
to a genuine smile, which though rapidly faded into an expression
of pure determination.

B'Elanna emptied her glass, her former cold drink had been warmed
by her hand. No matter the state of it, she felt stronger.
She took a deep breath, and hoped, she would be strong enough for
what she was about to do.

She had set her mind to finding out why Paris disliked Christmas as
much as she did, she had not the shadow of a doubt within regarding
if he really did; she was 100 percent sure, as sure as she was on what
she thought about it herself.
As sure on why she felt that way herself, something she didn't plan
to share. But somehow, she was going to pull Tom Paris' reason out
of him. It never occurred to her that he maybe had as deep and dark
reasons as herself.

She put the empty glass down on the long stretch of wood, placed
beneath the windows. A few of the usual tables pushed together to
from one long, wide place for snacks and drinks.

B'Elanna discreetly looked towards the far exit, near Tom's chosen
hide-out. She greeted a few tipsy members of her engineering team,
and then, she began her walk, it seemed endless.
She had no idea why Tom's past and destiny suddenly interested
her so much, perhaps it was because she saw something alike herself.
Perhaps he wanted her to come.

*

She'd tramped fast, quite desperate to get rid of the feeling that told
her she was on a never-ending path, a quest without an answer.
She began to regret that last warm drink now, when it splashed
around inside her stomach, putting up a violent fight with it.

And so suddenly, so abrupt, so stunningly unexpected, she was there.
At her goal. What she'd planned and decided to do was now within reach
for her to solve. It scared her, the fact that when she was so close, it
seemed so impossible to do something, anything.

B'Elanna's usually sharp tongue stifled and sticked to her dry palate,
she wished for Tom to be able to sense it and offer her a sip of his
fifth-and-some loaded drink. He didn't.

B'Elanna came even closer, slowing her pace down to the speed of a slug
with meaning. At least, she made sure his eyes had locked with hers now,
though she'd avoided just that a minute ago.

She was very close to him now, only a meter or two. She began feeling
the usual tension she'd had to live with as very young.
During her first years in school, when she would talk in front of the entire
class. The words wouldn't come put. This situation was exactly the same,
with the slight difference that she'd chosen it herself. No one had made her,
just a product of her own bored imagination.
B'Elanna tried to remember what her teacher had hissed to her, while he'd
shaken her shoulders in front of the whole class the first time she'd tell
her classmates about her summer.
"Focus on the words! Hold your head up high, the eyes fixed on a special
spot!"

The same words her old teacher had spoken, she found herself repeat
silently almost twenty riveting years later.

She looked at Tom, found the same suppressed loneliness as her own;
it was like copied from her own soul. She shivered involuntarily, and
realised how silly it was to not dare to say anything to him when it
was her own outrageous invention to do it.
Those hours she imagined had fled while she argued
with herself, were in reality only a few seconds. And since Tom eyed
her expectantly, she needed to get a grip.

"I know," She finally said, as much to herself as to him. "How you're
feeling." She said it calm and casually, like it had just come to her mind.

B'Elanna just caught how the drowsy look on her opposite's face gave
in to the shadows of doubt, before she stalked out of the high toned
party atmosphere surrounding her.

Even though she understood how silly it was now; she had stated
already that Paris stood alone, she had no right to dig in further.
But if he wanted to give her a reason, and at the same time make her
feel better, she'd gladly accept it.

*

"Wait!" Tom called after her, B'Elanna had figured he'd instinctively
rush after her out into the hallway. It turned out he chose to follow
her into the turbolift too, something she should have realized, and
now had to face.

"What were you saying back there?" He asked, momentary out of breath.

She winced, should have known that he'd be pushy, and eventually
she'd reveal her own secrets. Grinning her teeth, she swore that
wouldn't happen. Somehow, she just had to make him tell her why
he shared her lack of soothing inner peace which everybody seemed
to crave present at Christmas.
It was hard being so curious and inquiring, self-preserving and
suspicious at the same time.

"You don't enjoy this season," she said, adding damp moisture to
her dry lips with her tongue, even though it was nearly as badly
dehydrated.

"Oh, so there's the big secret of mine you've revealed!" Tom gasped
overacted and theatrical. "If that's the worse you can spit in my face,
you've really turned faint-hearted."

B'Elanna felt how her heart began beating faster, the evidence of her
anger painted her eyes piercing with jet black dark from within.
At the same time, she felt humiliated, amazed by how fast he could
turn something into something else and throw it in her face.

How could she believe that he shared, saw and believed what she did?
Somewhere deep down, her true purpose had been to only be nice.

"For all I know, this might be your way of telling me you're going to
play nicer with me in the future... That would be the greatest present
this year!"
He continued mocking her.
She continued basking in waves of brutal internal anger.

"I'm not going to give you any presents! I only hoped you were in
the same boat as I am, but now I see you're just one of those who
hate Christmas for no apparent reason."
The last sentence was hissed warningly; she gave him a fair chance
to surrender.

"Please state your destination." The computer's announced request
filled the turbolift. "It is now twenty and four days left until Christmas
day."

B'Elanna backed away from Tom, moving until her back met the cold
surface which declined her the option to get any further.
She banged her fists against the hard material, in growing vain.

Tom made helpless emotions with his hands. His voice seemed to
become softer, like the interrupting had made his irritations to dissolve
and calm him down.
"What is this really about?"

"I don't like it either."

"'It'?"

"This holiday. And I made myself believe you would understand."
B'Elanna lowered her gaze, feeling the force of uncertain blush shatter
across her cheeks.
She mentally wiped it away and looked up again.

"Trust me," he sighed. "I do have a reason for how I feel."
His eyes gleamed momentarily, before their gaze fled over the smooth
surrounding.
It avoided B'Elanna.

She stroked the spot next to her, it had been warmed by the pressure of
her hand; her sometimes raging and boiling blood.

She had been right. He had a reason, and it hurt him.
If he'd just keep his slick gaze still, maybe she'd be able to read and
interpret more.

B'Elanna asked, realising that she had nothing to loose by being pushy.
"So what's the reason?"

"What's yours?" Tom replied, casually folding his arms.

Neither rhyme or reason.

"Why should I tell you?"

"Then why should I tell you?!" He snorted.

"Stop counterargumenting!" She was about to loose her self-control
completely.

"Okay, then we'll just keep our own secrets to ourselves." Tom shrugged
and finally ordered the turbolift to the holodeck.

"Fine," B'Elanna pouted dangerously and took a step out from her poor
and unreal hiding place. "Then we've just fought again without coming
to an conclusion."

Tom looked down. "Not really, we've found out that there's another person
who feels something similar. After all, that's a tidy comfort."

B'Elanna nodded warily. He was right.

The turbolift had stopped at it's commanded destination long ago, but
Tom continued talking to B'Elanna, sounding more and more like a
long lost friend.
"I suggest we leave the past behind and create our own alternative
Christmas celebration... Such as a round of pool."
He ended with a wink B'Elanna could not misinterpret as anything more
than it was.

*

Almost two hours later, B'Elanna left the holodeck with a relieved touch to
the spring in her steps.
She could not remember a first night in December when she hadn't felt low
and been unable to sleep for a full night, if she could fall asleep at all.

She felt better indeed, though she hadn't gotten her anticipated question
answered. She didn't mourn too much.
If it so would be only for one night, she'd forget the rocky past and live
for the moment and a better future.

After two out of five rounds of pool won, probably out of Tom's mercifulness.
Played under a scenting sole mistletoe swaying over the pool table, she did
not envy the cheerful people taking over the mess hall.

*

What brought her to sleep that night was not throbbing memories or
swollen, tearstained cheeks; it was a red and green mixture to cheap Christmas
drink.